First blog post

Hello, and welcome to the new page for Refuge Recovery Kalamazoo. This is my first post and boy do I have a lot to say. However, I will spare you a majority of the details. Instead, I want to tell everyone about the practice and benefits of Refuge and how it helped me.

First I want to get something out in the open. I am a recovering alcoholic. I do not claim to be a saint or perfect. I am flawed. I am human. I am humble. I have been arrested, I have been fired from jobs, I have been told I would never amount to anything. I have hit rock bottom and I have seen what it is to be independently wealthy.

I have been through a lot in my life. I believe one of the most important things about my recovery is to be honest. Rigorously honest. The night I saw the red and blue lights behind me, I felt a substantial weight lifted off my shoulders. I had hit rock bottom. It was behind the wheel of my car, 2 blocks from my home that I felt freedom, knowing I was going to jail. Ironic how that works sometimes isn’t it. While sitting in the holding cell, waiting for my release, I did a lot of thinking. I started meditating in a room full of people that ranged from “do not belong here” to “why are you not in the hospital”.

I also started thinking about how upset my wife was going to be with me, how upset my kids would be and how disappointed my parents would be. I was so focused on the way that everyone else was going to feel and react, that I didn’t worry about me. But I still meditated, cleared my mind, tuned out the other drunk idiots in the drunk tank, and focused on my breath. That made my “walk of shame” to my wife’s car a little more manageable.

The next day I started going to AA. Literally, got out of jail, took a nap, called a lawyer, went to AA. I began to speak in my very first AA meeting. And while I felt (and continue to do so) great and better, there was still something missing. While meditating later that day, it dawned on me…..what was missing, was WHY not WHAT. I did not have a purpose in life, well I did, but it was basically just being a vehicle for money every 2 weeks so that we could have electricity and important things like my leased car and tobacco and booze.

I worked in the emergency medicine field (yes I was an ambulance driver) and lost the compassion for human life. I think I meditated only a handful of times throughout those 5 years. I lost touch with me, with my soul, due to the lack of the connection to life through seeing all of the junkies I picked up, the drunk bums downtown and all the people that made poor choices with their lives, while I drove my ambulance, ate fast food, used tobacco and when I got out of work I drank. I was different than those people because I had purpose in life….or so I thought.

Remember when I said I got arrested? Yep! Wake up call. My probation officer enlightened me to my problem (eventually) , my wife told me I was adrunk, my kids told me. So I started to lie (before getting arrested) and hiding it from everyone. But they all knew. I was not convinced until I worked the steps from AA that I was probably an alcoholic. 3 months into the AA program before I realized the truth. I meditated every day after my arrest for about 6 weeks. My anxiety was through the roof awaiting my sentencing, awaiting my future determination. When the judge told me my sentence…..was I so pissed. I was so angry, how could he do that to me. Did he not know I was a medic in the community, I was someone important, I was someone who has put their life on the line for strangers on the north side of town.

That shit doesn’t matter. I was a criminal. I got drunk, I drove, I got caught. End of story. I am NOT immortal. I am an idiot. As I walked out of court, I sat in my car and hung my head in shame. Then, I looked in the rear view mirror of my car…..and something came over me. The old saying “This too shall pass”. But how will this pass without me losing everything.

I did lose everything eventually. I lost my jobs, my integrity, my pride, my money, my friends, my drinking buddies, the trust of people. But this is no where near what I gained from this.

I gained insight. I gained the ability to PROVE how I can change. I gained courage, I gained humility, I gained self-love and I continue everyday to gain the trust and support of those who love me. My wife loves that I do house work now. She doesn’t fear that I sit in our home office on my computer typing and sipping on some high dollar hooch. I don’t need it, I don’t want it, it put me where I was. It is what took everything away.

Wow, this is getting long. But I feel that you are entitled to know WHY I chose to seek refuge. The meditation, the awareness, the focus on my breath, the ability to let negative shit go. THAT is what has gotten me through. I started my schooling in Substance Abuse Education and Medical Social Work the exact same day the judge called me a dummy. What are the chances that the day I felt I lost everything, was the same day I gained more than I had to begin with.

Reading one of my text books eventually landed me on the topic of Dharma. It intrigued me, so I started looking into it a bit deeper. I found a book called “Dharma Burns” by Noah Levine. Who the hell is this guy? I was a feral dog trying to find this book. Then my best friend ordered me a book called Dharma Punx. Because, well, it has the word punk in it, and once you meet me you will know why. I identified with Noah so much that it wasn’t even funny. Right down to being homeless, drunk and on drugs.

So I read another of his books, then started watching him on youtube so that I could be better at meditation, so that I could be a better Dharma Punk. And it clicked for me and I was absolutely obsessed with meditation. I had to take a moment and reflect to determine if I was addicted to sobriety. If I was addicted to making me better. Then everyone started talking to me again, the household started looking to me for input again. IT WAS SURREAL.

I sent him a message on facebook, because why not? His street team replied as he was on the Wanderlust Tour and guided me towards that. My wife is a yoga instructor, so while reading about this Wanderlust, I was immediately sending her messages, links to the website etc. I went to the local bookstore and picked up another book by him just so I could have him sign it when we went to Wanderlust.

I am wrapping up I promise!

The next few weeks I was a puppy waiting for their owner to let them outside, I had a hard time containing my excitement for this event. I was not let down when the day came. I met Noah, and when he shook my hand I felt calm. I wasn’t a fan boy, but it was just amazing. I listened to his words, his demeanor, I participated in the yoga that day with my wife (sort of participated) and then…..20 minutes guided in person live with Noah Levine.

Afterward he signed my book. I hadn’t read the book yet, but it had cool diamonds on the front and said Recovery, so it had to be a good book. When he signed it, he asked if I had been to a Refuge meeting yet. I said no, as they did not have one near me. I wasn’t even quite sure what it was. He told me I needed to start one. And yet, here we are. Creating a website instead of playing video games. Understanding that this 1600 word blog is something I am putting out into the world to total strangers and not caring about their opinions because I am sober, and I AM ALIVE!!!! Listening to music and watching the candle flicker in the corner of my eye. Here I am embarking on a journey that scares the hell out of me, leading people in meditation with the intention of helping them recover from their addictions………here I am readying myself to serve my purpose, to share the word, to teach what I have learned, to begin yet another journey with all of you. This is why I sought refuge. Right now….It’s Like This!!!

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it is long winded, but I am looking forward to sitting with everyone who reads this.

-Metta