When compassion becomes conflicted

I am a practicing buddhist, a modern day one, but a buddhist none the less. I don’t participate in activities that chemically collude the mind, I am mindful (at least I try to be) when I speak to others, I do not hurt animals or insects intentionally, I believe that we can all live harmoniously in this world, it just takes effort on everyone’s part. While I know this isn’t necessarily EVER going to happen, the concept is a nice soft spot in my heart.

I work hard at providing my experience with the Refuge Sangha. I have many unpaid and unnoticed hours that I have personally committed into a program that has a substantial “what if” factor. I have put my own personal money into making this take place, money that while I cannot afford to do so, I have faith it will return twofold in the form of people helping others. It is afterall, only money.

While money does not necessarily make the world go round, to many it does. And that my friends is why I am writing this tonight. I had another amazing meeting with some fantastic new friends. While the group was small, it enabled us to speak freely and help one another with conflicting issues inside our minds. The path of the Buddah is to do no harm, to help those who need help, and to be there for one another. This of course has many other variables, but to those who do not know, or are not interested in it, this is a nutshell explanation.

I recently saw something on one of my affiliate’s websites about assisting homeless people. When they ask for some “change” or some help, if it is available resource at the time, you should provide it. It is also that way among my fraternal ties with the Freemasons. It is a dutiful act to help those in need. The most important thing is to not expect anything in return for the kind act. Nothing…..expect nothing. Expect peace of mind you assisted another human being in being nice, or helping them out. I have given homeless Joe money recently and it felt good. I know he is going to buy booze, and it was my last little bit of cash, but I like to think that what I provided to him fiscally, will in turn bring him joy. This in turn brings me joy.

But yet I am conflicted in a moment of trial tonight. I stopped by the local convienience store to see if the Red Box had a particular game in stock. When I pulled up to the box, I saw a man place a 22 oz. Bud Ice next to a Gary Fisher bike. When I got out of my car, he said “excuse me, I am wondering if you have some change so that I may get something to eat.”

I know it was his bike, regardless of how it was obtained…..I know he was drinking a beer when I pulled up. I looked him in the eye and said “sorry, I wish I could help, but I don’t carry cash”. His response….”come on man, a nice coat like that and a nice car, you know you got a pocket full of change”. The truth is, my best friend gave me 78 cents tonight and a piece of wrapper of some sort. I did have it, it was in my pocket, but I did not want to part with it simply because of the situation I rode up to.

Little does he know, I paid maybe 50 bucks for the coat, and I am behind on my car payments. I am also behind on some other bills due to the lack of employment in recent months. However, I remained humble and apologized. I got into my car and got ready to leave, while I watched him open a new pack of cigarettes and his friend walk out of the store with yet another beer for him. I feel I did the right thing, but at the same time, I lied to him. I did have 78 cents in my pocket….but the means to which I obtained the money were honest and not deceitful.

While the holidays approach, regardless of how financially fit you are, or are not, just remember….you are simply an amazing person. Inside and out, even when hard times fall upon us, someone asking for money is typically a last resort. It may not have been the right choice, but it definately was not one that I will resent tomorrow morning.

Namaste

-e