Good day everyone. Welcome. So I have been off work for about a month due to a separation from my company. I knew it was coming, so I set all my ducks up in a row to make the afterlife happen, and I may or may not have overlooked some stuff. In the tradition of transparency and coaching, please look below to read some of my gripe. I understand that my gripe is worthless without hearing the other half of the arguement, so I will attempt to put examples in as I go. Strap in, it’s been a while….time….to……..GOOOOOO!
As an addict in recovery, among MANY other characteristic ailments I have, I try to observe especially upon “reflection” of a disagreement or negative interaction. I struggle, especially with normies as it is not always seen this way. I do my best not to diagnose my psyche as it is not fair to do so, as I may miss some of my assessment due to bias. With my job loss, I cannot help to feel it had something to do with me, as a person, not so much as a bad/unnecessary employee. The downside is, the extreme “plans” that were made, awaiting my departure, are already starting to fall through.
That’s Karma!
Being home, my wife and I are around each other a lot more than we are used to. In this time of me not working, but still providing, has been a mental shitshow for me as I feel that nothing I do is good enough. I have argued, spoken, written, typed, texted…..everything I can do to make my partner aware of things…..but when we argue-I don’t feel heard. My wife and I vowed not to use the “D” word, we vowed to work through everything, and we vowed to love each other as much as humanly possible, but when we fight-IT IS UGLY.
I wanted to set that up as context. I am not saying she is wrong, nor am I saying I am. We both throw fault rags into the ring. My leverage is her 16 year old, hers is comparing me to her ex. Again, I don’t want to get too deep, as I don’t want to create unnecessary bias. Let’s just say, I am right, and so is she…..just not always about the same things. But, as a man, I struggle with a few things. Primarily when I am faced with parental duties that I am unfamiliar with. It isn’t the fear of jumping and doing things I am not comfortable with……..it’s the being told I did something wrong in the heat of the battle-in which I determine myself to “fail” in one regard or another.
As I state, regularly, I look at things a bit different than other people do. I take the fact that I fail at something, innovate the desired change, and reimplement. Sometimes-I fail 1000 times, but until it is “right” I modify, change, reimplement. Most people learn from their “mistake” immediately, but if you are whole heartedly and honestly trying to make a “change” in something, it is okay to fail 1000 times. I do not care what ANYONE says. If you are in it for a desired outcome-and you fail at making that outcome a reality, and you stop….you give up…..you say it “isn’t worth it” then you weren’t in it for the long haul were you. This is not just projects, or tasks, this works for anything in your life-IF YOU KEEP PERSISTENT.
I have been damned, shamed, insulted, disregarded, molested, raped, beaten, assaulted, spit on, kicked on, stomped, hit with phones, sticks, rocks, bricks, belts, extension cords, wooden paddles….I think you get the point….all shitty things, right? Well, what has come about from that is making that change, and not re-implementing the stuff that sucked, and making sure I don’t do those things. Think of it as taking the good things, and forgetting the bad things. I often dwell on things far past the expiration date, but that was also a tactic I learned, to keep attacks fresh in the mind for the next big explosion. However, my smile is genuine, my laugh is pure……..I don’t hate anymore.
How though, did I get passed these things in life? Well, truth is, I haven’t. Nothing has changed aside from my approach. The crappy thing is, sometimes our approach, is full of interference. That is the fuzzy stuff that comes with it. Sometimes, we focus on the interference, instead of the issue. In my instance, it is not finding a job, it is finding the “right” job. The interference is everything that comes with it. The observations that I just sit around (waiting for a phone call sucks-but it is what it is), that I do tasks/crafts that are irrelevant to the surrounding events (doing things for “myself” make me happy too-I honestly feel I work VERY hard at keeping people happy). My wife feels that I do not participate enough with the family. That will be another blog, but I have to be very careful to not be “accused” of searching for sympathy in many regards as well.
“ME TIME” is imperative, and should be utilized daily. Some people feel they don’t have time for themselves, as they cater to everyone else. I grew up in a society where the dad works, brings home the money and does what he wants on his day off, while the mom raises the kids and cleans the house. Is this a realistic modern day marriage? Nope, is this how mine is? Also nope, but there are similarities.
My wife states she feels as if she is a single mother. She raises, tends, cares for, feeds, dresses and punishes the children. She also observes that I am a fairly hands off father, as I leave those tasks to her. Here is where communication is IMPERATIVE. I don’t inject myself in her act of punishing, as I punish differently. In addition, her style and desired outcome, may be different than mine, and when i DO attempt to remedy, it is often an incorrect or improper approach to punishment or remediation.
Why? Well, I get frustrated, but only after hearing my wife request something from one of the children multiple times. However, my wife ALSO knows that when dad has finally had enough, and he DOES step in, behavior changes immediately. So why is this a difficult to navigate instance? Well, my voice booms. It isn’t a matter of me being super pissed, I just have a dad voice sometimes. But, when that voice isn’t heard, it is easy to feel as if you are unseen-much like when the wife works hard at raising children, only to see her partner put in minimal effort.
It isn’t a personal attack, just allowing the other parent to do their thing. However, I don’t always involve myself in that at the proper time, or the appropriate way-that is where the frustration level rises. Now, this instance is simply regarding “isolated” instances, but it is a good opportunity to point out the things in life, that we fail to observe. The shitty thing about it is….having the ability to understand that you aren’t failing, just not succeeding in the way your partner wishes. Don’t confuse that with failing though. As they are very close, and VERY interchangeable.
Perhaps I am the type that enjoys making things dicey on occasion, so that I can use it as a learning point. The downside to that is, how frustrating and tiring it is as a partner to consistently put up with this behavior. As I know it is occurring, I cannot simply “Stop” learning, or observing from negative interactions. We all have been through a lot of things in our lives. I try to learn from everything around me, so that maybe I can apply something I learned in the future, whether it be me, or someone else. Just kind of the way I am. And that struggle…is real….but I won’t change, as I have already lived that “comply or depart” type of life.
I didn’t come in here to complain, or alter anyones view or opinion on parenting. I didn’t come here to state I have an amazing or shitty marriage. I definately didn’t come here to laud my wife or myself for our approach to resolution in this situation. I am here however, to attempt to help navigate the unfortunate circumstance of 2 people, with differing opinions, will often struggle with how they execute or successfully remedy a negative situation.
So how do we overcome this, and turn the negative into positive? Well, the problem isn’t going to be solved arguing. So, stop that. Pointing blame never helped either, maybe avoid that. Understanding the root problem and each others’ approach, probably could help. Understanding that there are underlying world problems that probably aren’t part of the current complaint, might be another. Snark, doesn’t help….insisting your partner speaks about stuff NOW, doesn’t help. Remember, everyone has trauma, everyone has a process they follow to compartmentalize negativity, particularly during an argument. Some people walk away, some people stay and fight, some people stay and don’t say anything. Some shut down, some speak even toned. We all respond differently
Find out what works, what will be effective and build on that. DO NOT fault your partner for responding the way they do. Bring it up later when it is more appropriate to do so. Regardless, focus on the “what works” and rid yourself of the stuff that doesn’t. Even if there is 1000 ways to execute/rebuild/innovate the approach. You won’t fail, as long as you try.
SS; SF; SS
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