An Exerpt From 2019 FB

I sit here, listening to the wiper blades wipe the rain from the windshield. As I did with tissues many times tonight.

So many people stated they watched the most recent gumball head video…..and how much it meant to honor my dad in such a fashion. How my recent story of change brought some deep feelings to a handful.

I was always fascinated by my dad. As many were. He was indeed a good man. I wonder how I kept it together for so long this week. Averaging 2 hours of sleep, in between silent bouts of crying, my stubborn boulter attitude coming theough….I have allowed others to see my emotion…in micro doses.

My dad was a planner…he mathmatically calculated risks, time, duration and proper execution of ideas or concepts…and always had a backup plan if things went awry.

I have spent a lot of time this week honoring him in the only way i know how….talking about him, writing about him, thinking about him…..loving him out loud. I told my son a story next to my fathers casket tonight. My dad never said he was proud of me until my son was born. Then-everytime we spoke….he said it at least once. He always said how proud of my sister, kids, my niece and nephews and “bonus” sister he was. I know he was proud of me because people have always told me how animated and excited he would get qhen he spoke of me. But he waited til his first grandchild was born to vocalize it.

I always wondered why, but I never questioned it. Because it wasnt important to me to hear it….but he made me feel ir everyday. I told my son this story, and explained to him that because I felt it from my dad, it was important my son feels it too.

Another generation of boulter men will be laid to rest tomorrow. My mentor has gone to be with the great creator of this substantially unexplored universe. Not without attempting to see, do and learn all he could before he approached nirvana. Inwill keep living dad, i will keep learning I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU DAD! Until my last breath

Yes I am hurting
Yes I am grieving
Yes I am now wandering aimlessly windering how the fuck I will get the answers when I need them.

I asked my son…..what am I going to do the other night, not because I am not capable, but…how am I going tonwork through things, difficult things in my life without my go to guy to bounce ideas off of.

My son….said “just keep going”.

Probably some of the best advice I have ever gotten. Just keep going….a regular thing I say on a regular basis…but hearing it from my son-made so much sense to me…..
I am not lost…I already know what to do. I took a moment to realize-my son and my daughter are who they are because of what they know….and theybwould not know it if i didnt know it…and I wouldnt know it if my dad hadnt taught me.

Caden and Jasmine you two mean the world to me, I love you so dearly, so did grandpa. Never forget that. Everything I know i learned from him….so of i fuck up-i only get blamed for half (because we all know im a bad listener)but thank you both for helping me be the good half of the father I have becime…..I had an outstanding role model raising me.