Reward Is The Result Of Habit

Had an opportunity to talk about some opportunities that we are presented with after making change, or considering making changes.

The topic was willingness to change, or make compromise regardless of past experiences. To set the tone, I spoke about the specific situation regarding relationships, where our partner may experience triggers based on past events-whether PTSD related, situational, emotional or self-inflicted. The example I used was our partner asking us to change as a result of behaviors that they are dissatisfied with. To which, I had mentioned that a person should NOT have to change based on a request from another person, rather make sacrifices and be mindful of the request.

Most people are scared of change and the older we get, the more difficult it is to do so, as well as our willingness based on our past experiences. We do not necessarily need to change ourselves, but the tact in which we approach the situation. If our partner/spouse/child/mentor asks us to “not” do a behavior (my example was fart in your sleep) that we may choose not to, or be unable to make the change. We CAN make the conscious choice to make modifications.

You see, when we change for the sake of others-we compromise our own identity. We compromise who we are and we become a shell eventually. One who air poops in their sleep on a regular basis could choose to limit their garlic intake at dinner, or stop drinking carbonation before bedtime, perhaps decrease their fiber intake. Regardless, the mindfulness comes from making the conscious choice to attempt to change the situation-rather than themselves. The conscious choice to make changes, instead of “changing” is how we “love”. When you are on your death bed, you do not want to say “I wish I ate more garlic”.

When we knock on death’s door-other peoples opinions and desires do not matter as much. We crave-life-because we are selfish.

Sometimes-people may change the way they say…..discipline their children. Commonly using scare tactics, or profanity, threats, timeouts etc to remedy a childs behavior. Would a softer, gentler approach be more beneficial to all parties involved? Approaching a situation with hugs and happiness; instead of harsh words and hands on? What happens if that doesn’t work though. What happens in the event the behavior doesn’t change-do we result to the old way where the assertion DID in fact work?

How long does it take for a change to make a difference? Well, that depends on the depth of the habit. If we change the cue (the cause) we can potentially break the habit. Resulting in a more beneficial outcome for all parties involved. Reward is the result of habit (routine). What are you looking to obtain? Aren’t we all just looking for satisfaction as the outcome of everything we experience? I say it regularly-our cause of suffering is craving. The end to suffering, is curing the craving. The cue in these instances is craving. The reward is the killing of the craving. In order to break the habit, we need to change the cue.

The approach of the narcissist will change their ways in order to obtain an element of trust-thereby affording the opportunity to capitalize on the “change” when it benefits them. Gaslighting works exactly like that. I will be kind about things and tolerate them-until I cannot do so anymore. If two parties are involved, one will eventually explode and present this behavior-as it is repetition and we already know that. Our choice is to work on this change, but not necessarily change ourselves.

We can only blow into a balloon so many times before it pops in our face. So, we can only take “so much” before we become the balloon. At which time, we may not be aware of the revert to old behaviors (name calling, bringing up past experiences, old arguements, old situations) and hinders growth of old parties. If you work with someone to overcome adversity or a rough patch in your life-support one another through it. DO NOT create further damage by capitalizing on the pettiness of bringing up the past.

We all have the tendancies to bring up the old us. Some of us do not live there anymore. Some of us simply put down the burdens that plagued us, or offer them to our higher power as a result of lightening our loads. The idea isn’t to let go of the responsibility, but to make progress by no longer relying on the past to “prove a point” with our partner or whomever the other party is.

It is crazy if you maintain the commitment with your partner about being “mindful” of their needs and not reverting to old behaviors as a result of a difference of opinion or disagreement. This is a good opportunity to test your meddle in the growth that you (and your partner) have made based on the commitment and LEVEL of commitment made when coming to the agreement. If you continue to patronize your partners weight or call them names when they have asked you not to-you are simply at fault. No gold star for you.

If you change something as simple as “I see you are upset, I would like to work through this with you” or in the occasional “Get Over It” fashion-you can imagine the results are wildly different. I, myself still have the get over it fashion tendancies-usually followed by an apology and admitting my short comings. This is personal growth! When our partner expects friction, but we bring a polished stone-their reaction may be reverted to old ways…perhaps they too will come with an apology or observation of the err of their ways.

The end result is the fact we do not need to change ourselves, rather change our approach. Break the habit by breaking the cue.

Until our paths cross….

Stay Strong; Stay Focused; Stay Sober

Much love! GBH 25