In this day and age, communication is rarely made face to face when there is some form of disagreement. That is, until it goes to court and the parties are forced to come face to face with each other. Technology has made that more accessible, so much that people can attend their court break, while taking an early lunch break at work. Probation these days is kind of a joke too, if you really think about it. The judge asked me if I had a medical card 7 years ago while being arraigned, because if I had one….they could not test me specifically for THC. I told him know I did not-I never lied to a judge.
So, how is this “interpretation” a chaotic spiral in my brain you may say? Well, we have come to an educational opportunity in our lives, to create the observation of how content is delivered, and where does that content lose its initially intended purpose. Now, I am not talking about quick videos to the social media haberdashery of your choice, I am specifically referring to what we say and how we say it. Full transparency, I know my trigger opportunities, I am not flawless and I will win an argument with the burning bush-psychologically-I can and WILL break a person down. I am MINDFUL enough to not do so. I have done so in the past-and already attempted to make those amends.
I try my best not to petri the household-but this is an opportunity to get straight to the point with limited information. Teenagers often struggle with responses based on their limited interactions when being held accountable. I have an entire chapter in my upcoming book on “Letting go-when does a child change” and this ties into that substantially. Once we require a child to become responsible-and they are held accountable…our tone changes with them. Period. We know that we now have control over that child, and there is nothing they will do about it until they live on their own. That does NOT mean their behaviors don’t change behind the scenes however.
We all shit talk about other people. Just because a child obeys in the presence of an elder (do people still use this word), does not mean they don’t run their mouth behind the back of said elder. It also does not mean that defiant behavior doesn’t happen, such as peeing in a shampoo bottle that only your sister uses, or blaming your sister for things you did, but don’t want to get into trouble for. That defiant behavior sometimes makes a transition into day to day life, and the response to an action, activity, responsibility, event etc. can be forgotten about, resulting in an aggressive response without the intention of doing so. Currently finding myself observing “parental behavior” in the presence of parents. That to me, is a parent’s job, not a teenager, and the teen should not feel responsible for parenting.
This does not negate the opportunity for role model behavior however. To see an older sibling/classmate/friend/family member take direction from someone else, shows that “respect” eclipse that we long for once we finally achieve that level up in life. The younger children will observe that behavior and model it. My 4 year old and 2 year old are the perfect example for this statement. They play follow the leader with behavior all the time. This is mother hen behavior, and it is a real phenomenon. How do I know? Well-let’s just say in my experience….I have seen it, but being responsible, is way different than being a responsible parent. No parent on the planet should ever challenge the parenting skills of another parent. Period. Situations in mental health for the invisible, living situation, financial situation….if you aren’t them-don’t judge. Unless you are legally obliged to do so…..but typically it isn’t that case.
So, I made a defense here somewhat for the youngins. Parental behavior is modeled by the parent, the children will follow that above all. In the absence of one parent, the child will inherently absorb the behaviors of the other parent, and attempt to fulfill the role. In this case-it is a matter of delivery vs content. I am a good father. I know this, and do not need validation. The fact that all 6 of my kids are still alive proves that something is right. However, a LOT of people disagree with my parental styles. However, their influence in the past has made me the parent I am now, as has observing family behavior has for the last 20 plus years. Dynamic is huge, but sometimes-it gets messed with by behaviors-go figure.
When the youth forget they are with their parents, or are quickly replaced by parenting of the other parent, they don’t realize what they are saying, or how they say it. (Defense #2 for the kids) Thereby creating an issue of situational frustration, turning into a more assertive than intended tone (defense 3). Being an authoritarian-esque but fun AF parent, I see this as parenting the kids in many situations. However, to my teen it isn’t that at all. It is more helping out. It isn’t any more than stomping, eating with their mouth open or any other “pet peeve” we have with our kids.
Yes! I said “Pet Peeve”!
I explained to my teen recently that I strongly dislike the sound of “clicky” keyboards. I do not like the redundant clicks of the keyboard. This conversation of course occurred while sitting next to him, while he used his clicky keyboard to do his home school work, while I worked on the website. I had to take that conversation one step further, to explain that while I don’t like the sound of it, I respect that it is his equipment, and he is free to use it. I can change the situation without being unkind about it. Headphones, or music, or just go find something else to do while he is schooling. In this instance, the content-the not liking something, specifically the keyboard, was a me issue, but was explained in the delivery.
The delivery offered a kind and understanding approach that created an agreeable resolve to the situations for both parties. In addition, made me feel very good about my choice and decision to explain and express it to him. I don’t want this post to sound like it is a bad relationship or situation with my son at all. He has a heart of gold and understands life more than most of us. He is turning into an amazing and responsible young man, and am HUGELY honored to be a part of his journey as well. He has a remarkable story of overcoming adversity, which perhaps one day, he will share with you.
The fact that the sound of the keyboard stated earlier is a pet peeve, was merely a quick nod to return to. The peeve, can mount and turn into more than a peeve eventually-think office space. Tiny annoyances in our lives, modify our behaviors over time. Our creative outlets, or space, or time alone-afford an opportunity to express these nuances in mental health, and are sometimes challenged to find the time or opportunity. Sometimes they are taken away all together, and you have to make your own.
I am glad it is in the 70’s today.
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Your Recovery; Your Way! 