Chop Suey

On this day, several years ago-I attempted to take my own life. I had used a combination of pills, alcohol and had determined to take my own life as I had been dissatisfied with the results of my past, the choices I made and a combination of unhappy and emotional trauma from the past.

Obviously-I failed the attempt otherwise I would not be here today. It was a shameful period if my life which was filled with addiction, infidelity, over consumption of substances, anxiety, depression and an overwhelming feeling of displacement in society. When I overcame the day and a half of sleep-I started my rebirth.

I have been writing a book for approximately a year now. To me, the book sucks. I will always be my own worst critic, but this book explains my growth mentally over time as well as explains how my thought process and determination to succeed has overcome the thoughts that once plagued my mind.

Since my attempt, I have overcome multiple situations of adversity. That day was my rebirth; my determination to change the things I hated or dislike about myself-and turn them into positive experiences for me, my family and the community. We all have issues in our lives, some people are not lucky enough to overcome them, some dabble with addiction and remain a slave to the substance/process and some, well they change.

I wanted to take a moment to explain an simple outline of before and after in my thoughts. Perhaps it will help people tonubderstand their own mental state and how it can be overcome. The idea is to help those struggling to understand that despite the hand we are dealt, we can still win at a game of Uno. All it takes, is a well played combination of reverse cards and number 2 yellow.

Birth: We are all born physically once. We are however born multiple times within our lives, as this is a post change opportunity. My failed attempt at suicied was my rebirth. I made a change based on an awakening and determination to succeed. I didn’t know it at the time, but all I needed was purpose

Experience: From day one, we learn from our environment. Our parents voice, the light through our eyelids after we are born, the discomfort of coming into the world after spending 9 months in someone elses bodies. Our brains become super computers that process information at incredible rates. This too applies after a revelation, a major change, our re-birth. We learn, we apply, we do, we succeed/fail-yet we never stop learning. Asking for help in life is no different; than a baby crying when they are hungry or wet. The way we communicate-comes from experience

Disease/end of life processes: We get sick because we overwork the super computer or our flesh vesicle. We commonly overcome illness by a combination of mystery medications, homemade concoctions and if you are from the midwest: Vernors.

However-we sometimes convert that illness into disease. Addiction is an illness that turns to disease. It affects our mind/body/soul. There is no common cure for disease-sometimes we need help. Sometimes we succomb to the disease. It is in my opinion that addiction is very much a disease as it affects us in ways similar to cancer, parkinsons, dementia and so forth. It takes over our lives and becomes a focal point as a result. We can treat a disease, we can cure an illness. An addict will forever be an addict-or so we are told. Most of us abstain as a result of our past….but it will always be a part of our past.

Death/End of process: I got sober. The old me died. It took a lot of hard work. I wasn’t cured of my disease-but the bad stuff no longer poisons my body. My parents are both dead. They are not coming back. That is a challenge in my mind I live with everyday. However, my experience has taught me that I can still live a happy life after the passing of my parents. That is a choice I have made. I coukd have ended my life when they died, but I tried that once; many years prior. I failed because of purpose. Their deaths were a combination of their own disease pricess, their experience and lack thereof as well as their body not being able to overcome their untrwated illness and disease.

Re-birth: I was simply reborn after my experience. I learned that I didn’t really want to die. I had a lot to live for. Even though at the time I didn’t realize it. I have since found purpose. I was reborn based on new experiences that flourished as a result of the death of the old ones. I have created oportunity to speak candidly about my addiction and recovery process, changed the way I not only looked at life; but approached a problem or issue. I have taught these experiences, learned from others and still walked through hell. It took a lot to get to where I am; yet I have a long way to go

Sharing these concepts in the book or on social media have changed other peoples lives. Noone wants to hear my shitty story-so I simply share bits and pieces. A life that included abuse (mental/sexual/physical), anxiety, depression, happiness and everything that comes into play. I haven’t found the one song in life that I need to hear over and over again-but the “dad, guess what? I love you’s” and the “good job, I’m proud of you” are much easier to swallow than some of the things I heard growing up. So much so that I have it tattoed on my body. Right now, it’s like this is also tattooed as a daily reminder that it may not be great, but it makes it worth it in the end.

I used to have great friends and relationships with them. I used to have the ability to walk into a party, get drunk, get laid and not feel some kind of way about it. I used to not care, not take care, not give care. I used to not have purpose, I used to not want to be here-evem though it seemed as if I had everything figured out. I used to not exist in a place that always welcomed me. I used chase everything, now I just chase the moment.

Last night I laid on the couch with 3/6 of my children. My youngest son in his special spot, my 2 youngest daughters in their special spots. We fell asleep watching the emoji movie. We all nodded off shortly after 8pm. Snuggled under a blanket, together in a safe and comfortable state. I thought heavily about this since I woke up this morning, coming to the realization that I am oh so glad I did not take my life on March 25th. I would not have what I do today….

Purpose